Never have I looked at the sky for so long, distinguishing clouds for their individual identities, from what is globular to slightly slanted, hate fills the heart inside my chest, so desperate am I to rid this darkness, where is the answer, where is the post-anger triumph that proceeds the inevitable conclusion of betrayal, how could they have done this to me, or more significantly why could they have done this to me, miniature dogs blur through the field, BARK BARK BARK, oh Hamlet so absolutely relevant you are about such circumstances, slay the wormwood lurking in the arrays, so devious are they to fool the already damned, why am I damned, history is a nightmare for which I am trying to awake, so dispensable that in the night people gaze so obviously away in pitiful disgust, there is something wrong with me, deformities hide the honest truth from the surface, did they see that, did they see me and run, like Shelly’s monster for the mob, where am I, swarm of flies whack against my ears, was it even real, it seems so fucking fake forever tormenting the fool, remembering memories so recent for signs of change, failure try again, failure, failure, turn over or you’ll look like an undercooked salmon, what makes their feelings valid and just when the balance of power was tilted in their favour, bringing up past demons, forgetful youth, to be pleased every waking moment of your life, breathe, you are unable to control bloodflow, waves crash into the docks, subside, breathe, they met the family, they planned for the future, what does that say about future trust, can their be trustworthy discussion when this was said and not kept, no body understands so why should you, just hate, it feels right to hate, so easy, so palatable to the senses, I am pleased, temporarily pleased.

 

Temporarily pleased, why did that thought manifest, the glare of the sun burns the retinas, I continue staring to feel pain, to feel anything, give me a sign that I am still a human, or was, I am tired am thinking I am not from this planet, deities if you are listening I will convert to follow in the prophet Pinocchio, give me strength, give me satisfaction, mainly relief from this treachery, love loves to love love, why did you trust someone so strongly, how did you not see this coming, with more reveal shows more disgust, like poison it is, dose-dependant, bactericidal and potent, how could you be loved by someone so perfect, not perfect in the societal-sense but perfect in a personal-sense, hola, buenos tardes, let me think again, the train has left the mind, can everyone just leave me alone and let me THINK, smiling like it’s the new year to yet another year, surprise it’s just another year, love is one of those things that if you give all of it away you are left hoping that there will be rewards in the future, but could it be that love’s power comes from one’s capacity for it, like currency without investment, to show someone that they are able to be loved, that’s it, able to be loved, so scared to be loved by someone that when it happens you can’t resist imaging what life together will be like, pleasure mixed with hardship mixed with joy and loss and everything everywhere all at once, transporting through infinite dimensions an attraction so powerful civilizations could fall, is that an investment, guaranteed happiness, that’s what was lost, shame accumulates, you are broken, temporarily broken.

 

I did it again, I did it again, I am not the omega, they are not your saviour, I repeat, they are not your saviour, let me save you from the inevitable abyss, emergence from beneath is no darkness but polished rock, you are capable to receive, loneliness, marriage there, dating there, children playing on the escalator, why is self-awareness the solution to the complex mind, empathic power proves volatile and infectious, contagion, mask up, mask up, cough in a concealed direction, bring it to the moment, this is no disappearing story, dissent in the mind is the true tragedy, rotting neurons made of wormwood, excavate and clear, supply with learned lessons, like what you pathetic troglodyte, enough, breathe, find serenity in the emotional carnage, unlatch what happiness left tethered and find connections within, remember your circle, remember you are exactly who you need to be at this moment, bring it to the moment, over 7000 km away from home, almost 3000 km away from familiarity, make yourself a promise that you can fulfill, red flag, surrender to deterministic principles, white flag, recheck luggage for documents, choose acceptance, choose meaning, choose progression, me, and me now.

 

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“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.”

- J. R. R. Tolkien